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Inner Glow

Why soul mates and perfect partners don’t exist

Many people today are still waiting to find their soul mate, or for the perfect partner to finally show up and fulfill their every desire — desires that they’ve mostly been taught to have by society. Because of the fact that society’s brainwash with regard to love, relationships and sexuality is often specifically targeted at women, it comes as no surprise that the majority of these people are women. But do soul mates really exist? Can there really be one person out there that’s specifically meant to be yours? And can there really be a perfect partner out there who fits all of your requirements and who can satisfy all of your needs all of the time for years to come?

If you’ve read some of my previous posts on love and relationships, you can already logically derive an answer to those questions based on the information in those posts. And the answer to all of those questions, of course, is NO. And I’ll explain why.

I’ve already shown in a previous post that humans are naturally polygamists. With this in mind, it doesn’t make any sense for people to want to wait for a soul mate or for the perfect partner whom they can spend the rest of their lives with. Monogamy doesn’t work for humans; in fact, tying yourself to one single partner will only cause a lot of problems. There is evidence for that everywhere in societies around the world. One of the biggest issues is the fact that in monogamous relationships both partners limit each other’s freedom. Since freedom is one of the most important virtues to have in life, limitations in monogamous relationships inevitably lead to problems. Both partners may slowly and/or subconsciously develop the urge to want to break free as time passes. Another big issue here is that people who believe in soul mates or in one perfect partner often have highly unrealistic views and expectations about love, romance and relationships as a result of society’s brainwash. Consequently they eventually become disillusioned when they learn from experience what reality is like. Both of the aforementioned issues can ultimately lead to hostility and one or both partners (secretly) hating each other, as psychoanalyst Karen Horney M.D. indicated in her article “The Problem of the Monogamous Ideal”:

[…] the overestimation of love leads to disillusionment; the desire to possess the partner results in the partner wanting to escape; and the taboos against sex result in non-fulfillment. Disillusionment plus the desire to escape plus non-fulfillment result in a secret hostility, which causes the other partner to feel alienated. Secret hostility in one and secret alienation in the other cause the partners to secretly hate each other. This secret hate often leads one or the other or both to seek love objects outside the marriage or relationship.

In addition I’ve also shown in a previous post that humans are perfectly capable of loving more people at the same time. This is entirely consistent with the fact that humans are naturally polygamists. The fact is that during the course of a lifetime an individual can and often will develop strong romantic feelings towards a number of different people in their life — possibly even simultaneously. And contrary to what society’s brainwash suggests, this is perfectly natural. Therefore it doesn’t make sense to wait for a soul mate or a perfect partner because there will never be just one. And this is good because the fact of the matter is that every individual needs more people in their life with a variety of experiences to be able to grow in a balanced way. Just think about it; there can never be a single person out there that’ll be able to satisfy all your needs for the rest of your life. Imagine the huge burden that you put on the shoulders of a potential partner if you expect them to be able to meet your every requirement and satisfy your every need. Nobody can be expected to devote their entire lives to you; they have their own lives, their own dreams and their own desires just like you. There can be overlaps and that’s where you can enjoy each other’s company. However, where they can’t satisfy some of your needs you’re supposed to find others who can, and allow them the freedom to do the same. What makes matters even more complex here, is that people — including their dreams and desires in life — can naturally change over time. So relying too much on a single person isn’t a good idea. What works now with someone, might not work anymore later in life.

Finally I also want to make the point that, certainly in the case of a soul mate, you should not be looking for someone else to complete you or to make you happy. Every individual should strive to become as independent as possible in life, and should also try to be satisfied with their life on their own as much as possible. When this is the case, they can then allow other people into their lives that can somehow make a positive contribution and with whom they can share their experiences with. Expecting a soul mate or a perfect partner to complete your life and to not only make you happy, but to also continuously put a considerable amount of effort into keeping you happy, is unrealistic and unwise and will only lead to problems in the long term. They might pretend to meet your high requirements in the beginning to win you over, or they might genuinely try their best to do so and try to keep it going, but they won’t be able to keep it up in the long term. Like I previously stated: Nobody can be expected to devote their entire lives to you; they have their own lives, their own dreams and their own desires just like you. At some point they’re going to want to pursue their own desires and if they’re being limited, it will cause issues.

People need to become more realistic about love and about what really matters in personal interactions between men and women. Like I wrote before in a previous post:

Men don’t need women for friendships. Men can satisfy all their desires for friendships with other men. What men really need women for are for the things that men can’t normally get from other men, namely sex and intimacy. If we want to be brutally honest about it, relationships between men and women essentially all really boil down to satisfying our natural sexual desires. Nothing else. So ultimately, the primary reason why men would spend time with women is to get sexual satisfaction.

And the same thing also applies to women — normal women, to be more precise, as explained in the fifth part of my article series on Understanding Women.

So instead of wasting time waiting for a soul mate or a perfect partner, and finding out every time that it doesn’t work out anyway, free yourself from society’s brainwash and the misconceptions that were taught to you about love, relationships and sexuality, and instead let people into your life that mean well, that you can trust, and that can make a positive contribution to your life without demanding too much from you. Most importantly, be realistic about your expectations and avoid making demands yourself.


  1. Karel Donk's Blog » Why getting married is a very bad idea (19/09/2014)
  2. Karel Donk's Blog » What I look for in women (09/08/2015)


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