Almost a year ago, I wrote a post titled “A sign of true love.” And in that post I tried to explain one way of how you can know if you truly love someone. Basically it had to do with the concept of being able to love someone, even though you may not be able to be with that person, and even if that person would prefer to be with someone else. Being able to let go and watch that person make their own choices in freedom, live their lives as they choose to, even though it may not involve you at all, and genuinely feel happy for them.
If you took the time and thought a little further about the consequences, then you probably also came to realize that what that means is that you’ll eventually love more people at the same time. And I’m not talking about love in the sense of loving your mom, but love in the sense of loving someone from the opposite sex. Because let’s face it, you’re not going to be sitting alone all by yourself if you can’t be with someone you love. You’ll let them go their way, while still loving them, and you’ll be meeting other people and will find someone else to fall in love with. When that happens, you don’t suddenly just stop loving the other person. If that’s the case, it wasn’t love at all. When you truly love someone, you’ll always love them and want the best for them. Even if they hurt you, you’ll want to take action in order to protect yourself, but you’ll never wish anything bad for them.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s only possible to romantically love one person at a time. From very early on during childhood, you learn this through books, cartoons, movies, from grown-ups around you, everywhere. You learn that it’s wrong to love more than one person at the same time. You learn that you should feel guilty if you do. You learn that it’s immoral. You learn that you should feel betrayed and hurt if someone you love loves others beside you. You learn all of that, when experience shows that it’s just not right. How can you love someone and then stop loving them just because you can’t be with them? How can you not love someone simply because you already love someone else and because it’s supposedly not right? Is love really supposed to be that way? Is love so limited? Is love that weak?
The fact of the matter is that if you really love someone for the right reasons, you’ll always love that person. You’ll always want the best for them. And you’ll go on to meet new people, have new boyfriends or girlfriends, and you’ll love them too without having to stop loving others for no reason other than that it’s not right according to rules of society. Not only is it entirely possible to love more people at the same time, it’s also natural and actually the way it should be.
And taking it even further, human beings were never supposed to tie themselves to one partner for most of their lives. The only rules that exist for that were made up by people and most of them come with religion. Now that we know that religion is based on lies and exists to enslave and control people, those rules are meaningless, including things like marriage. Those rules have only caused trouble in relationships, tying people to each other and restricting their freedom. Even encouraging them to control each other and pretend to own each other. Just look at the many problems it causes in relationships and in marriages everywhere. People are always talking about making relationships and marriage work, and nobody seems to realize that it doesn’t work because it’s not natural. If it was natural, you wouldn’t have to try so hard to make it work.
You’re not supposed to tie yourself to one person. Just think about it, do you really think there’s one person out there that can satisfy all your needs? Everyone is different, and in everyone you’ll find some things that you like. However, you’ll also find that they can’t give you certain things that you’re looking for. Instead of being unsatisfied and trying to make it work with one person and limiting yourself in the process, you’re supposed to go out and find others who can fill in the gaps. For example, if you’re a guy, today you can spend time with Sarah, who just likes to go out, party and have fun. But tomorrow you can spend time with Nicole, with whom you can have really deep conversations about important things that matter to you; the kind of conversations you simply can’t have with Sarah. If you couldn’t have Nicole, you’d be expecting Sarah to have the deep conversations with you and since she’s not very interested, it would cause trouble in your relationship with her. Since you can satisfy your need for deep conversations with Nicole, you don’t have to bother Sarah with that and can focus on doing the things that you can do together with her. When you’re not with Sarah, she’s also free to do things with others that you can’t do with her. And so on.
Think of how much richer your life might be in such a case, how many more experiences you’d be able to have, how many more people you’d be able to meet. You’d be completely free, without limitations with regards to who you can love and spend time with. You’d be able to love and be loved without limitations. You’d be able to reach out to all those different people to help to satisfy you and help you grow to what you want to be in life.
Of course when you’re controlled by greed and want to control someone and have that person only for yourself, things are different and it never works out. Not only do you limit the person you pretend to love, but even more importantly perhaps, you also limit yourself. With the many years of programming ever since your childhood, it might not be easy to accept what I explained above. For hundreds and maybe even thousands of years, people have been forced and brainwashed into accepting the opposite in order to frustrate their lives and make it easier for others to control and manipulate them. And this is just one of the areas where this is the case. If you look around you, it should be more than clear that what we’ve been taught about love, and the rules we’ve been told to live by only serve to frustrate our lives, hurt our relationships and make things more difficult for us. Love isn’t supposed to be limiting. Let’s have as much of it as possible.
100% agree. But it doesn’t also mean that opposite is wrong. If you are lucky to ever meet someone you’ll be happy to live you life with and share everything – this is also an option, and you still want to be only with that person and no one else. But neither you nor him/her should make you make this kind of choice.
Yes, we only talking about odds of finding such a person. They’re low. You can spend your whole life searching for the one, but in the meantime, why not loving all the people who you think worth it (still, if you truly love them, when you find the person who satisfies you completely, you won’t leave the others!)?
It must be acceptable. What we have now really sucks. I don’t violate anybody, if people voluntary want to be in multiple relatonship – just let them. Just be fair to youself and to the others. Peace!
Agree, also agree with Paul, but I also find that when people hear this, there are quite a lot who twist it and manipulate it into something else – I must hand around with all the wrong people in the world; over 70% of the people I know well talk to me about their relationships and say that they are in love with someone else, but are never honest, and know that they are cheating on another person – I say cheating, because they don’t tell the other person, who I know expects them to be faithful, and because often it’s done with them feeling guilty with a pile of lies.
People can fall in love with more than one person at once – but there are lots and lots of people who refuse to accept or believe it – even if they are examples themselves – which essentially makes it immoral and unfair to not tell them. There’s an expectation in today’s society that people only love one person, as you mention, so people expect other people to be faithful. If you don’t admit that you love someone else as well, even if you think it may ruin your relationship (and if it does, then perhaps it’s not a good relationship to be in anyway) then I think it’s cheating – well, I admit it’s not quite so black and white, and just as general rule. Even then, people always seem to come up with some excuse to say ‘But I’m one of those exceptions’ – exceptions are rare, I find. As a result of this, I actually think it’s better to just stick with society’s general perception – it’s impossible to explain, otherwise.
Just speaking from personal experience, so feel free to disagree. Just felt I needed to say it.
Dear mister Donk,
I have read your blog yesterday (March 18, 2010) and thought a lot about what you have written…I understand what you mean with loving more than one person at the same time..but I do not agree with your definition of love..you see..I am a young woman and have a lot of male friends..with all of them I have a different relationship..with one of them I love to hang out with and do fun stuff..like dancing..and playing pool..and with another I have deep conversations with..things that matter to me and which can be of influence to him..or even my brother-in-law, who I adore and love..just for the way he listens to me..and gives insight from a man’s point of view when I find myself in certain situations..I love all of these men in my life..I care a great deal about them..but I choose not to have intimate relationships with them even though I can..and the only reason for that is because of the chaos it may bring..You have mentioned different things that you can receive from the different women you have intimate relationships with.. but do you not know that when you give into your satisfaction, it only brings more unsatisfactions?
And do you have children mister Donk? Is this the advice you would give your children? Let’s say you have a daughter..and I am not concerned about what society may say of her having many intimate relationships at the same time with different men..but think of the instability it creates when committing is not a option..and it is so easy to run away from the problems around you instead of working at it..and think of all the diseases she opens herself to…and my opinion is not a matter of being brainwashed or even caused by religion..and since you’ve mentioned religion..I can clearly see that you have no knowledge of this topic what so ever..because then you would have known that a lot of great men mentioned in the bible loved a lot of women at the same time..but the difference with these men and men of our generation is that they took responsibility over their actions like taking care of these women AND the children they bore with these women..are you willing to that???..with Sarah.. and Nicole.. and who so ever you may have intimate relationships with??? We live in a society where we cannot afford this “luxury”..
As I’ve said, I do not agree with everything you have said..and I know you do not mind me not agreeing with everything you’ve written..but it is thoughts like yours that can lead children to grow up in incomplete families..and it is thoughts like yours that make aids go around the world..just because you think you can stick your dick in every cut for the sake of freedom, a shallow excuse…because for an intelligent man as you seem to be..you know that a condom is not always 100% the safest way to go..
I’ve been having this discussion with myself for a number of times.
Is it possible to love more than one person? And yes, Karel you are 100% correct, and I am not saying this out of a philosophical view, but from hard experience.
I love on person, because of her strength, because I like that she is goal oriented (just like me), and I can have very good discussions with her, but on the other hand I also love someone else, who I enjoy being with because she likes to go out, do crazy things and really have fun, the sort of crazy fun I like to enjoy.
Because of the way we grow up, with rules about relationships, we sometimes get confused. And I don’t think love exists to confuse us.
It has happened to me more than once that I fall in love with someone else, but I have never stopped loving the other. The thing is, this is very difficult to believe for some people.
Looking at myself today;
I am still in love with the woman I have been in love with for the last 7 years. But I am also in love with someone else, and when I am with her, I enjoy every moment of it, doing crazy things and having a different kind of fun.
I know myself well enough, and I know that there will be others that I will love, also with all my heart. I also know that not all of them will have to be sexual relationships, I don’t see that as a necessity. And if sex comes around, just don?t ever forget to be safe!