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Mining for a Heart of Gold

For some reason it happens more frequently these days that people comment on the fact that I choose to live alone. I figured I should probably start writing about the reasons for that so that I won’t have to keep repeating myself in the future. There are many reasons for why I choose to be alone, basically all having to do with one of the most important things to me in life: freedom. Living alone has lots of advantages that far outweigh any disadvantages that there may be. I’ll touch upon the various reasons in future posts, but in this one I’ll concentrate on one of them.

I recently spoke to one of my love (lust) interests after more than a year (but we’ve known each other for almost 10 years now) and the topic of me still living alone came up. She told me that I needed to go out and find a girlfriend (her actual words were “you need to stop jerking off; find a vagina”). So I started explaining to her, as I usually do, that it’s not that I’m not looking for “a vagina” (I would like to have access to several in fact), but that there simply aren’t any women who are going to be compatible with me. The value system in our societies around the world is completely fucked up. Most women these days would want to be with me (and other men) mostly for the wrong reasons.

Most women look at men as some kind of resource to live off of. It’s mostly about what kind of economic value you can bring to their life. If you can regularly buy them things, take them out on vacations, and take care of things in their life (provide some baseline of economic security), they’ll want to be with you. Social status falls into that same category. If you can increase their social status, that is, if they can show off with you, then they’ll also be interested. But the worst reason is that they want to completely control and own you; you’ll essentially have to become their exclusive property. You end up being robbed of your freedom and having to ask for permission to live your life.

And frankly, I want none of that. My freedom is too valuable and important to me. The truth is also important to me and when it comes to matters of love and lust I can’t lie. For example, I can’t get into a relationship with a girl and pretend like, all of a sudden, I don’t love any of the girls anymore who came before her. Or that it’s impossible for me to love anyone else during, or after her (on the contrary!). I’m sure you can imagine that saying this to most women alive today would not work out for me in a positive way; it’s exactly the opposite of what they want to hear. And yet I always tell them. Sometimes they pretend to go along with it, probably thinking I’m not serious or that they’ll be able to change my mind, but eventually they find out exactly how serious I am about this. Sometimes, as they get to know me, it seems like they get so in to me that they become afraid of losing me to someone else, and then slowly change their mind towards wanting something more permanent and exclusive.

But with my knowledge and experience today, that is not a road I ever want to take again. It goes against fundamental principles of the universe and what true love is supposed to be. My entire being will rebel against it and it’ll make my life miserable and painful.

In the case of the above mentioned love interest, I imagined what it would be like if I was in an exclusive relationship today with someone else, and now she suddenly came to talk to me. I’d have to be very careful with what I could talk about with her in order not to make my new girlfriend angry. In most cases, the mere fact that I would be talking to an “ex” would be reason enough for big problems that could last several weeks and possibly destroy the relationship. Especially when she gets my answer to the highly likely question of “do you still love her?”

Think about it. Would I now suddenly have to tell all my older love interests that I don’t love them anymore? That I don’t care about them anymore? Would I have to ignore them? Simply because I have a new girlfriend? That is something I can never get over my heart to do and I therefore will never put myself in any kind of position to have to consider doing it. In this specific case, when my older love interest contacted me after a year, she mentioned that she had “dreamed about me last night,” and that she “missed me so much that she could almost cry.” Assuming that I was now in an exclusive relationship with someone else, would I have to ignore her or respond in a cold way, as if I didn’t care anymore? Would I have to pretend as if I didn’t love her anymore? Only because it would otherwise hurt my current girlfriend who, in that case, would clearly still have a lot of work to do on herself? Yeah, that’s never going to happen.

Living the way I do right now allows me to be true to myself and to express what I truly think and feel. I can talk to, spend time with, and love, whomever I want whenever I want, without having to ask for permission or worry about anything. It allows me to form and maintain special bonds with various people that I care about, that can span many years. This is a luxury in most societies around the world today, where policies promoting sexual suppression and repression have completely fucked everything up. Being able to have this kind of luxury in life is another one of the reasons why I consider myself to be rich and successful.

To be sure, my life would be much more luxurious if I could also have the kind of women around me that I’m looking for. The ones who understand what love really means. The ones who, instead of getting jealous and angry with me when I’m getting attention from other women, would be happy for me. The ones who understand that, counter intuitively, allowing me to live my life in freedom (instead of caged in an exclusive relationship) is the best guarantee they can ever have for not losing me. Because even after many years, if they miss me, and if I’m still alive, I’ll be happy to spend time with them and there will be nobody standing in our way.

Unfortunately, such women are very rare and this has been the case for thousands of years. But in the words of Neil Young, I’ll keep “mining for a heart of gold.”

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