Maybe I should start giving relationship and dating advice online because the advice I see being given by others is fucking stupid. Like this example I saw yesterday on The Guardian, where a woman complains about her husband not having given her an orgasm for three years. Here’s what she said:
I have been married to my husband for seven years and we have been together for 10. In the beginning, the sex was amazing. But after he joined the military, his sex drive went down and he became depressed whenever we were separated for long periods. There was some infidelity between the two of us, which we managed to overcome through marriage counselling. We learned how to better communicate and support each other.
My husband has since left the military, and that has brought us closer together, but our sex life has been lackluster for the past three years. We have tried talking about it, but my husband has not given me a proper orgasm in that time, and I don’t know how to change that. I’ve told him what I like in the bedroom, and he’s made some effort. But he hates giving me oral sex – and it’s the main way I can have an orgasm.
Also, his overall stamina has dropped dramatically. Every time we have sex, it’s rushed; I don’t feel satisfied. I don’t know how to convey my concerns without emasculating him. How can I tell him that he is not fulfilling my needs, without hurting his feelings? I feel our marriage hangs in the balance of trying to reconnect emotionally and physically.
You can read the “advice” to that woman given by columnist Annalisa Barbieri at the source. It’s all kinds of politically correct bullshit that’s just beating around the bush and avoids the truth. So let me explain to you what’s really going on.
The real problem here is that very clearly the feeling of lust has worn out between these two people. This is naturally bound to happen as I explain in my post on the Cycle of Life. The woman mentions herself that “in the beginning sex was amazing” but that it eventually became “lacklustre”. This will always happen, no matter what you do. You might be able to stretch the time it takes for this to happen, but you can’t do that indefinitely.
The reason for this is that the feeling of lust for a person (the desire to experience them) naturally declines as you get to experience them more. Eventually things start to get boring because there’s nothing new left to experience with the same person. This has negative consequences for the desire to spend time with them and to get aroused by them. People then desire new experiences with others, and when they are trapped inside exclusive relationships (such as marriage) this results in “infidelity” as the woman mentions herself.
The solution to this problem is for people to break out of society’s sexual repression brainwash, that dictates to them how a man and a woman ought to live together, and return to living according to their true nature. This means acknowledging the fact that lust is temporary and won’t last forever, and as a consequence, it makes absolutely no sense to tie another person in an exclusive relationship with you and to expect them to desire you forever. You’re only asking for trouble if you do that. As research and experience have shown, 3 to 4 years is the average length of time for the sexual basis of a relationship, while the feeling of lust will have declined well in advance.
In the above example, the woman’s husband might not desire her anymore, he may not like giving her oral sex and he may not have much stamina with her, but with another woman his overall sex drive would no doubt show a significant improvement. And the same is also true for women who, especially in exclusive relationships, eventually don’t have much interest in sex anymore, until they get to have sex with someone new as the case below illustrates:
After having sex with only one man for 12 years, being with someone new was exhilarating and made me feel like a woman again! Each guy was completely different and brought a new and exciting bag of tricks into the bedroom, on the couch, or in the shower. Exploring different types of men and their sexuality really opens your eyes to not only what was missing from your marriage, but also what you desire sexually.
You can imagine that it’s not going to be easy for someone to give you an orgasm if the feeling of lust that you had for them has worn out. We see the same problem in the above case where the woman complains about not having had an orgasm for three years, while also admitting that it’s not easy for her to get an orgasm from her husband in the first place. Now she mainly needs oral sex for that. And we know that this wasn’t always the case, because she also admits that in the beginning “sex was amazing,” so we can assume that she was quite capable of getting an orgasm from her husband back then through other means, since he “hates giving oral sex.” It’s highly likely that due to a strong decline in lust for her husband, she’s also having a difficult time to get excited enough by him to easily get an orgasm.
So the correct advice to this woman would be to end the relationship with her husband as soon as possible and go out to look for new experiences with other men. Staying in a relationship with her husband and trying to manipulate or force any kind of improvement is not only futile, but potentially quite dangerous because the situation might escalate and may even become violent. I discuss this in more details in my post “Why getting married is a very bad idea” and have lots more in the footnotes there. I would also tell her to never again make the terrible mistake to get into any kind of exclusive relationship with another person. Like I mentioned above, the feeling of lust (“being in love”) will surely and absolutely decline, no matter who you’re with. It’s just a matter of time. Consequently it’s wise to anticipate and plan for that so that when you start to notice it happening you can gracefully move on. More on that in my post “Relationships of the Future”.
If any of you reading this are in need of advice, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to give it for free, on condition that I can post about it on my blog while honoring your privacy.